How To Sell Something On The Internet

So, you’ve decided to sell something on the internet. Congratulations! You’ve just joined a global bazaar where the combined population is larger than the entire human race—yes, there are more internet-connected devices than people on Earth, and roughly half of them are probably trying to sell you a beard comb. But don’t panic. Selling online is less about wizardry and more about avoiding the seven deadly sins of digital flailing, and I’m here to be your slightly sweaty, caffeine-fueled tour guide.

Step One: The “Why Would Anyone Care?” Test

Before you list that vintage lamp or your half-finished novel, ask yourself one brutal question: Would I buy this from a stranger who smells like mothballs? If the answer is a shaky “maybe,” you’ve got a chance. The secret is that people don’t buy things—they buy better versions of themselves. That chipped mug isn’t a mug; it’s a “rustic conversation starter for your minimalist hygge corner.” Sell the feeling, not the object.

Here’s a shocking fact: 90% of online purchases are driven by emotion, not logic. Your brain is a lazy toddler that points at shiny things, and your wallet is the tired parent. So, write your product description like you’re describing a summer fling—vivid, slightly exaggerated, and with a hint of “you won’t find this anywhere else.”

Step Two: Photos That Don’t Look Like a Crime Scene

Your smartphone is a better camera than the one NASA used to film the Moon landing. Use it. Natural light is your best friend, and your kitchen counter is not a photographer’s studio—unless you’re selling bread crumbs. Take 20 photos from 20 angles, including the ugly bottom, because nothing kills a sale faster than “surprise rust” in the delivery phase.

And for the love of all that is holy, clean the item first. A dusty gadget screams “I’ve been in a garage with a dead raccoon,” and that’s not a vibe. Pro tip: put a banana next to your item for scale, but never next to a blender—that’s just a horror movie waiting to happen.

Step Three: Pricing Like a Psychopath (But in a Good Way)

Price too high, and you’re a scammer. Price too low, and you’re a scammer who’s also stupid. The sweet spot is just under the “ouch” threshold—so, if you think it’s worth $50, list it at $47. That odd number makes your brain feel like it’s getting a bargain, even though you’re basically robbing yourself. Surprisingly, items priced at $47 sell 30% faster than ones at $50, because humans are terrified of round numbers. It’s a known fact that the number 7 is the most “lucky” digit in online commerce, so sprinkle it like fairy dust.

Step Four: The Art of the Description (AKA “Lying With Charm”)

Write like you’re texting a friend who’s a little drunk. Short sentences. Emojis, but only one or two—five is a cry for help. Use power words: “vintage,” “handcrafted,” “limited edition,” “slightly haunted” (only if true). And always add a tiny flaw yourself first, like “minor scuff on the left side” — that instantly makes you 50% more trustworthy. It’s the same reason restaurants tell you the soup is hot: pre-emptive honesty disarms suspicion.

Step Five: Shipping, or “The Great Cardboard Gamble”

Here’s the kicker: your item will travel more miles than a migrating whale. Use bubble wrap. Not “a little” bubble wrap—enough to build a life raft. And never, ever write “FRAGILE” on the box, because the shipping gods see that as a challenge. Just wrap it like you’re mummifying a priceless artifact that also happens to be your last chance at rent money.

The Final Kick

Once you list it, stop watching the page like a hawk watching a dying mouse. Go for a walk. The internet works in mysterious ways—one minute you’re staring at zero views, the next a lady from Ohio buys your old skateboard because she wants to scare her husband. That’s the beauty of it. Your junk is someone’s treasure, and your awkward, honest description is the only sales pitch you’ll ever need. Now go sell something, you magnificent digital raccoon.